


The Exception

by vilia



Series: Plot Tropes in Merthurland [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Considerate Arthur, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Gay For You, Getting Together, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, M/M, Merthur endgame, Nervous Merlin, Oblivious Merlin (Merlin), Past Arthur/Leon, Pining Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Smitten Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), flatmates, no magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:47:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21979057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vilia/pseuds/vilia
Summary: Merlin’s got his life all planned out until the girl he thinks he might someday marry tells him that he’s in love with someone else.
Relationships: Brief Freya/Merlin (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Plot Tropes in Merthurland [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1287176
Comments: 17
Kudos: 281





	The Exception

Arthur kept telling himself it wasn’t a problem. Merlin was his best mate. That mattered more than anything. He could live with the fact that he was a little bit in love but had no chance of that love ever being returned. This wasn’t the first time he’d pined hopelessly after a straight guy, though maybe it would be the last, because it had been years since these feeling first started, and they were only growing stronger.

When Arthur was feeling particularly masochistic—usually when he laid in bed alone, knowing that Merlin was out with his latest girlfriend—he would think about Merlin in all the sinfully tempting ways he forbid himself from doing when he was in a better frame of mind. He would imagine what it would be like to kiss him, how it would feel to take him to bed.

Inevitably, he would come back to his senses and remember that Merlin had only ever dated women, had only ever talked about women as potential partners for himself. He would realize all over again that if Merlin had even the slightest interest in men, he’d have told Arthur a long time ago.

Arthur tried not to despair, and even more importantly, tried not to let his longing show. Not when Merlin talked about his girlfriends, not when he went out on dates, or stayed the night with his latest. Merlin knew Arthur didn’t particularly like hearing even vague details of hetero-sex, so he was at least kind enough to spare him from that. He wasn’t sure how successful he was at keeping his feelings to himself though. Sometimes, and more and more often lately, Merlin was so openly affectionate with him that it was a real challenge not to let himself slip. Merlin gave him huge, bright smiles the likes of which Arthur had never seen directed at anyone else, hugs that always seemed to last too long and simultaneously not long enough, and soft touches that bordered on lingering. None of it meant anything romantic to Merlin. Arthur knew that. Not only because Merlin was hopelessly straight but because his behaviour didn’t change a fraction whether they were alone or in the company of Merlin’s girlfriend.

As much as Arthur knew all that, it was still difficult to accept that Merlin would never be his in the way he wanted. He just couldn’t stop the voice in the back of his head that said they would be absolutely perfect together, if only Merlin could get it up for dick.

-x-x-

Merlin stood awkwardly in front of the station gate and shifted his grip on his box of personal effects. He should have hired an Uber. The box was large enough to require both hands to hold it, his muscles were starting to get tired, and he was getting looks from passersby that ranged from sympathetic to mocking.

He shifted his hold again. It took him several more seconds than it should have to realize that he was actually going to have to set his box down so that he could fish his Oyster card out of his wallet. The man behind him huffed in annoyance and went through the gate to the left. Merlin glared at the man’s back as though this whole thing were his fault. It was not. It was Arthur’s. Well, Arthur and Freya’s.

Until tonight, Merlin had been reasonably content with the direction his life was headed. He’d felt certain that he was on the right path. The one that would lead to his ideal life. He didn’t have everything he wanted, but that was the nature of life. What he did have was a job that suited him well enough for the time being, a best friend that he got to see every day (seeing as they shared a flat), and a sweet girlfriend who loved him for who he was. He’d been half convinced that she was the one for him. He’d been waiting for himself to fall for her, felt certain that it was going to happen any day now.

He’d been looking for signs of it all the time—when he kissed her on the cheek when they met up for dinner or when they settled down on the sofa together to watch TV and cuddle. He searched his heart for those little seeds that should have turned into deep rooted saplings by now as she climbed onto him in bed and lowered herself onto his waiting cock. He watched with rapt attention as she worked her body over him, studied the way her muscles stretched and contracted, the way her pert little breasts bounced up and down with their moans, and perhaps most importantly, the way she watched him, eyes bright and full of affection. All this, and he found… well. It wasn’t _nothing_ , but it wasn’t what he was looking for. He did care for her. And he was attracted to her, no doubt, but something was missing. Even recognizing that, he’d had every intention of ignoring it and continuing on as he had been. Freya was wonderful. Everything would work out if he just gave it enough time.

Freya clearly felt differently. There was no doubt of that after their conversation tonight.

She’d sat him down at her small kitchen table, taken his hands in hers and said, “I love you, Merlin, and you’re so good to me. I’ve never had anyone in my life treat me so well—”

Merlin wanted to pull her into a hug and deny that what she said was true, but he knew all about her past, her abusive foster family. He knew how much trouble she’d had making friends growing up because she’d been labeled an outsider.

“—but I think we need to break up.”

Merlin wretched his hands back.

“Wha--?” He couldn’t even get out one whole word. She’d just said she loved him. What could possibly be the problem?

“You’re not in love with me.”

He shook his head. “I’m… I’m just not there yet. Give me a little more time. You can’t expect every couple to fall in love at the exact same time. It takes a little longer for some than others, that’s all.”

She smiled at him, a bit sad. “I wish that’s all it was. I really do. You’ll never know how much. But that’s not it. You’re never going to love me like I love you. You’ve already given your heart to someone else.”

“That’s ridiculous! I’ve never cheated on you!”

“Merlin,” she said, in a tone that was obviously meant to be soothing. “I never said you cheated. Only that you love someone else.”

“But, I—” He didn’t even know where to begin. “But I don’t.” He didn’t have the slightest clue who she thought he was in love with. The whole notion was ridiculous.

She took his hands again. “You do. Once you think about it, I’m sure you’ll see that I’m right.”

“What… Mithian? Just because I talk about her doesn’t mean I’m in love with her. Her cube is right next to mine at work, that’s all.”

Freya shook her head in sympathy. “It’s not Mithian.”

“Gwen? Viviane? I’m not—”

Freya frowned at him, obviously troubled by his distress.

He just started listing ex-girlfriend then, until Freya said, “Merlin… Merlin, stop. You’re thinking about this all wrong, and I don’t blame you. So I’m going to do you a favour and just tell you, all right?”

Merlin gave her a helpless sort of shrug. “I still think you’re wrong.”

She opened her mouth once, then closed it. She paused as if gathering her courage. Her grip on his hands tightened. “It’s Arthur.”

A pure, heavy silence fell over the room for several long moments. Somewhere above them, one of Freya’s neighbours slammed a door. After a few more seconds of silence, Merlin burst out in a series of full, deep-bellied laughs that left him breathless and with an ache in his side.

“Arthur! God, Freya! You scared the hell out of me! I thought you were serious for a minute there.”

“I am serious.” She wasn’t laughing like Merlin thought she should be, and her sympathetic expression had only grown deeper.

He rolled his eyes. “I’m not _in love_ with Arthur,” he explained carefully, recognizing that no matter how far off base she was, she clearly believed that what she was saying was true. “I’m not trying to say that I don’t love him. Of course I do. He’s my best friend. We’ve been through a lot together. But that doesn’t mean…” He scoffed. “I’m not attracted to men like that.”

“I know you’re generally not. I guess… Arthur’s just the exception to the rule.”

Merlin pressed his lips in a straight line. “That’s not… I mean, that’s a terribly romantic notion, but it doesn’t work that way in real life.”

“I think it does. For you it does.”

“I think I would know if I wanted… _that_ … with Arthur.”

“Just…” Freya paused. “Promise me you’ll think about it, all right?”

“Sure,” he said quickly, eager to appease her and have this mess settled.

“And promise you’ll tell him when you figure it out for yourself.”

“Okay, Freya.”

“I’m serious, Merlin.”

He sighed. “Yes, I see that you are.”

“Then promise me for real.”

He closed his eyes for a moment, said, “I promise I’ll think about my feelings for Arthur, and that I’ll share the full extent of them with him when I arrive at a conclusion. All right?”

She nodded, squeezed his hands, then let go somewhat reluctantly. She came over to his side of the table, leaned down to kiss his cheek.

“Thank you, Merlin.” It sounded suspiciously like, ‘goodbye.’

“But—”

And that was the end of it. She’d smiled sadly, handed over the box of his things that had accumulated at her flat over the months they’d been together, and ushered him out the door.

Forlorn and maybe more than a little out of sorts, he’d stumbled his way to the underground. So now here he stood, bumbling his way through the gates just in time to catch his ride home. Once he was seated, his box tucked under his legs to be out of the way as much as possible, his hands felt empty. He itched for something to do. He pulled out his mobile.

His first instinct was to text Arthur, tell him what happened. He felt eager for his best friend to bolster his spirits as he’d done so many times before, tell him, ‘I know how much you liked her, Merlin, but I guarantee there’s someone out there who can love you better, and hey, why don’t we go hiking this weekend? That’ll help clear your head.’ Or maybe, ‘I never liked her to begin with. Didn’t I always say you could do better? Now’s your chance. Want to go out to the clubs? I’ll suffer through the nauseating heterosexuality for you, if you want me to be your wingman for a quick rebound.’ Or, ‘I’ll never understand why you have so many problems with relationships, Merlin. You’re the best friend anyone could ask for, so don’t feel too depressed. Think of it this way, at least you’ve still got me.’ And Arthur would laugh, thereby forcing Merlin to join along, and before he knew it, he was feeling like himself again. Somehow, he didn’t think it would be so easy this time.

How could he possibly explain? ‘Oh, yes, Arthur, Freya broke up with me because of you. Don’t feel bad though. I guess she assumed that because you’re gay and we live together that we must want to fuck. But it’s totally not your fault.’

Merlin let his head fall back against the window with a satisfying _thunk_. Just 10 minutes ago, he’d been mentally blaming Arthur for this himself. He was a terrible friend, and that only added to his irritation. Who was he supposed to talk to about this if he couldn’t even tell his own best friend? It felt like Freya was playing some cruel trick on him, trying to drive him away from Arthur.

By the time he arrived at his stop, he’d decided he wasn’t going to tell Arthur about any of it. Not tonight, anyway. He had a lie prepared and everything for when Arthur inevitably asked why he was home so early, why he wasn’t staying the night at Freya’s.

‘I’ve got an important meeting at work tomorrow morning,’ he was going to say. ‘Don’t get enough actual sleep with I stay at Freya’s.’

But then he walked into their flat. Arthur looked up from the book he’d been reading and saw the box Merlin carried, and Merlin noticed the flaw in his plan.

Arthur sat his book down without even marking the page, came over to stand in front of him.

“I’m so sorry, Merlin.” Arthur took the box from him, set it aside, and wrapped him up in a tight hug. Merlin noticed himself leaning into it, then wondered if that was normal behaviour for a straight man. He pulled away before he might have otherwise done if not for Freya’s strange ideas milling around in his head.

“Want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“All right. Want to watch a film instead?”

Arthur wasn’t generally an avid reader, but Merlin had introduced him to Brandon Sanderson a while back and now he was hooked on the Stormlight Archive, even though each book was a million pages long. Arthur had been reading the latest installment to the series almost non-stop since he’d started it. He didn’t _really_ want to watch a film with Merlin.

“No. Finish your book. I’m just going to shower and go to bed.”

“All right, Merlin,” he said, placatingly.

Merlin trudged toward the bathroom and was about to leave the living room when Arthur called, “Hey, Merlin?”

He looked back, “Yeah?”

“Freya’s a fool to let you go.”

Merlin half smiled, because Arthur was so steadfast like that. Always on his side, no matter what, and wouldn’t it actually be nice if Freya were right? Arthur was near perfect, really. Despite his flaws.

“Thanks.”

The hot shower felt nice on Merlin’s tense muscles, and he sat down in the tub and let the spray rain down on him until the water went cold.

The next day, Merlin spent his entire time at work trying to distract himself from everything Freya had said, but it was impossible to forget that he’d just broken up with the girl he’d thought he might one day marry. Mithian noticed his mood and managed to extract the truth from him before lunch. Well, the partial truth. Merlin told her Freya had ended things, but not any more than that. If he wasn’t telling Arthur why, he wasn’t going to tell Mithian either.

By the time he got home from work, he was sick of the whole thing and decided that the only way to move past it was to prove Freya wrong—to do just as he’d promised and think hard about his feelings for Arthur. He knew straight away that Arthur was the most important person in his life. He felt a pang of guilt at the thought and had to consciously amend it with, ‘aside from mum of course,’ but even then, it was a close thing, hard to compare, really. Arthur was a huge part of his life, and he didn’t want that to ever change. But that didn’t mean he was in love with him. Or attracted to him. The fastest way to prove that, he reasoned, was to test himself.

The shower was the most convenient place to wank, so when he was washing up that evening, he consciously began to think of Arthur in a sexual manner. Would he like to kiss him? It would be weird, wouldn’t it? Their relationship had been strictly platonic since they first met in sixth form. Was that the only reason?

He imagined Arthur’s lips on his and… Well, he wasn’t grossed out—not really—but he wasn’t obviously turned on either. He deemed this a success and felt more confident in escalating his thoughts. He wondered, for the first time ever, if Arthur also used the shower to wank, wondered if he’d ever had sex in here. Maybe with Leon, the last of Arthur’s boyfriends that had spent any real amount of time in their flat. They might have done. Merlin had seen them step out of the bathroom together one time, both dripping wet with only a towel around their waists for decency, but it wasn’t impossible that they’d simply been showering together for convenience, to save time. 

Merlin grabbed the bar of soap and washed his arms and chest, his legs, ran the soap over his belly and lower, fondled his bollocks with his soap slick fingers, gave his cock a few long pulls to get him started. It didn’t take much. He set the soap back in its dish and went to work in earnest with his thought experiment.

He used both hands, one holding his cock steady at the base as it wavered a little on its journey up. With the other, he pushed his foreskin up to cover the head then eased it back down, nice and slow. He closed his eyes, imagined Arthur right here in the shower, doing the same thing. He didn’t have any trouble imagining the scene, and the thoughts didn’t hamper his body’s response to the physical stimulus he was giving it. His mind flittered around to a variety of scenarios. Arthur leaning one hand on the shower wall, pumping himself with short, fast strokes. Arthur, with one foot up on the lip of the tub, one hand on his cock, the other probing further back to circle around his hole, his jaw slack with pleasure, and a blissful little smile on his face.

And it struck Merlin rather suddenly in that moment, that this whole exercise wasn’t as strange as he’d been expecting for one very big, seemingly obvious reason: because this wasn’t actually the first time he’d thought about Arthur while having a wank.

He did it all the time. He just hadn’t noticed before because the scenarios in the past had never been this explicit. Well, they hadn’t been explicit at all. He’d thought of it more as multi-tasking—that the two endeavors were separate, completely unrelated. How was he supposed to have noticed when the things he thought of were as simple as replaying a conversation they’d had recently, or to remind himself of something he wanted to tell Arthur—a funny story or a joke perhaps. Merlin liked those best of all, because then he could imagine how Arthur would laugh—head tipped back with his mouth wide open in a huge grin—and how Merlin would smile back, how his mood would be lifted for the rest of the day. Merlin allowed himself another trip down that familiar path, visualized the crinkles that Arthur got at the corners of his eyes when he was truly happy, the long line of muscles along his neck, the curve of his Adam’s apple and… Oh. Merlin’s cock gave a noticeable twitch, and he came suddenly into the spray of water, the evidence of his pleasure quickly washing down the drain.

That… was not how this was supposed to have gone. But that still didn’t necessarily mean he was in love. It really didn’t. Except… Now his mind was opened to it, there were so many other things—like how Arthur was the brightest part of his day, how when he was in trouble or upset, Arthur was the first one he went to, and how if Arthur needed him, he knew he would cancel on the most important date he could think of with Freya or anyone else, to go and help Arthur—and while there was no universal checklist for determining if you are in love, he knew now that he was. He could feel it with an absolute certainty that he hadn’t known himself capable of until this very moment.

And sex with Arthur, now that he allowed himself permission to honestly think about it, sounded… appealing. Not in the same way that it was with Freya or any of the others before her, but in a softer, deeply affectionate sort of way that felt far more meaningful than the more physically driven encounters with women that encapsulated his sexual experience thus far.

Merlin squeezed his eyes shut tight, hid his face in his hands, and let out a fervent, “Fuck!”

He knew what this meant. It wasn’t that he wanted _sex_ with Arthur; he wanted to _make love_.

He wasn’t quite sure what to do with this newfound knowledge. He turned the water off, stepped out of the tub, toweled off, then sat on the end of the tub staring at the door for some undetermined amount of time.

When Merlin finally found the will to get up and open the bathroom door, he found Arthur standing outside, hand raised as if to knock.

“Hope you haven’t used up all the hot water again, Merlin,” he said. “I have a date tonight that I need to get ready for.”

“A date?” Merlin’s voice was a little off pitch, a little too high.

“Met him at the bookshop last week.” Arthur didn’t sound terribly enthused.

Merlin struggled to find something appropriate to say, something that wasn’t, ‘Forget about him. I’m in love with you.’ The best he could come up with was, “You didn’t mention him.”

Arthur shrugged. “I gave him my number when he asked, not expecting that I’d actually agree to see him again, but then he texted last night before you got in, and… Well, anyway, we’re going out for a drink.”

“If you don’t like this bloke, why’d you agree to go out with him? Why give him your number in the first place?”

“Don’t know. Haven’t been out in a while. I don’t _dislike_ him. I mean, I don’t even know him at all, really. Maybe he’ll surprise me.”

-x-x-

The flat felt lonely without Arthur, and knowing he was out with another man only made things worse. Merlin stepped into Arthur’s bedroom, hoping to just feel his presence. He imagined what it would be like to wake up in that bed, Arthur at his side, hair in disarray, lopsided grin on his face.

He slid open the drawer where he knew Arthur kept his supplies for sex, hoping this would help him to fully wrap his mind around the whole concept before approaching Arthur about it in even the most oblique fashion.

Up near the front was a small box of condoms. He picked it up, peeked inside and found it to be completely empty. Merlin frowned, turned it over to look at the labeling. This box was old. The manufacturer had updated their packaging… Merlin couldn’t remember how long ago, but he did have a guess, because when he’d just been starting with Freya almost nine months ago, she’d called unexpectedly and asked him to come over. Arthur had teased him, saying it was a booty call.

“You’d better take a condom, Merlin. You’re going to need it.”

And after Merlin admitted that he didn’t have any on hand, Arthur told him to help himself to one from his own supply. “The last thing the world needs is a baby Emrys blundering about.”

Merlin had taken Arthur’s suggestion, partially to shut him up about it and partially because he hoped his friend was right. He’d rifled through Arthur’s drawer, but only found a single—and mostly empty—box of condoms. He’d pocketed the very last one and left in such a hurry that he hadn’t even taken the time to toss the empty box in the recycle bin.

This couldn’t possibly be the same box. The very idea that Arthur hadn’t needed a condom in that amount of time was ridiculous. He must have been relying on his partners for condoms. It was the only reasonable explanation. But… When was the last time Arthur had brought someone home? Merlin had to rack his brain. It must have been nearly a year ago, when Arthur was still dating Leon.

How strange.

What Arthur had said about it being a while since he’d last had a date came back to mind. Since when had Arthur, of all people, had trouble getting a date? He must have been more broken up about ending things with Leon than Merlin had thought. Why hadn’t he noticed? He was a terrible friend.

Merlin retreated to the living room and threw himself into his usual spot on the couch. It put him on the perfect alignment to stare at Arthur’s reading chair. He wasn’t sure what to do now, so he pulled out his phone and texted Freya.

You were right.  
Why did you have to be right?

She didn’t text him back; she called.

“I’m so sorry,” he said as soon as she was done with her greeting.

“Don’t be sorry, Merlin. You didn’t know at all, did you?”

“How could I have missed something so blatant?”

“You weren’t looking for it.”

“Still!” He paused. “Oh, God. I can’t believe I’m bothering you with this. I’m so sorry, Freya. I’ll hang up now. I won’t bother you again.”

He already had the phone halfway down when he heard a faint shout of, “Wait!”

He held the phone back to his ear. “Sorry?”

“Don’t worry about me, Merlin. We can still be friends. I really do only want what’s best for you. I want to see you happy. I’m sure I’ll find someone who can love me the way you wanted to.”

“That’s really generous of you, Freya. I don’t think I would be so gracious if I were in your shoes.”

“Never mind about that. Let’s talk about Arthur. Have you told him yet?”

“God, no. I don’t know if I can.”

“Of course you can. He loves you too, you know.”

Merlin shook his head, knowing she couldn’t see. “He’s on a date right now with some wanker he met at the bookshop.”

“How long has he been seeing him?”

“This is the first date.”

“Well then call him and tell him there’s an emergency at your flat. He’ll rush right home.”

“That’s not fair.”

“They do say that fairness doesn’t matter when it comes to love.”

“I’m not… I wouldn’t know what to say, even if he were here.”

“You’ll think of something, Merlin. You always do.”

There was a short pause while Merlin tried to think through potential lead ins that would allow him to broach the topic with Arthur. Then he said, “If he’s in love with me, why’s he never said anything?”

“Obviously he thinks you’re unobtainable. He thinks you’re straight.”

“I _am_ straight,” Merlin insisted stubbornly. “Arthur just... He ruins everything. He always has.”

He talked it over with Freya for several more minutes but didn’t feel any better by the end of the call. Afterward, he continued to debate with himself the merits of his choices in this matter. What right did Merlin have to intrude on Arthur’s date? It took a few minutes to decide, but in the end, he opted to send Arthur a simple text.

If you’re having a bad time, you could always use this as an excuse to rush back home.

Half an hour later, Merlin still hadn’t got a message back, and he forced himself to set his mobile in the bedroom and walk away. He went back out to the living room, turned on the television, and attempted to watch a serial that he’d fallen behind on. He didn’t have any idea what was going on.

Merlin fell asleep on the sofa, and when he woke the next day had only vague recollections of Arthur coming in late and easing a blanket up over his chest.

Between work, errands, and Arthur’s gym schedule, Merlin didn’t see Arthur until dinner that evening. He asked Arthur about his date the previous night, trying to modulate his tone in a way that concealed how much the answer mattered to him.

“Are you going to see him again?”

Arthur let out a heavy sigh. “Next weekend.”

Merlin had never seen him looking less enthusiastic for a date. What was that about? Was he still hung up on Leon after all this time, or… Maybe… What if Freya was right?

“I…” What if she was wrong?

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“It’s something.”

Merlin opened his mouth, but the perfect declaration of his love didn’t magically spew forth from his lips. What he said instead was, “I just… don’t think you should go out with him again. You don’t seem very into him. It’s not nice to lead people on.”

“I’m not leading him on. I’m giving him a fair chance.”

“You do that with everybody?”

Arthur narrowed his eyes. “What’s this really about?”

Merlin’s palms began to go a little clammy, the pounding of his heart seemed to be increasing at an exponential rate, and his stomach heaved as if he might be sick. He couldn’t do this. It was a terrible idea. Arthur didn’t want him. He needed to keep his stupid mouth shut.

Merlin looked up from his plate and found Arthur watching him with open curiosity.

The memory of Freya’s soft voice echoed through his head. _He loves you too._

“I uhh… I don’t want you to see him.”

“Why not? Have you met him before or something?”

“No. I don’t know anything about him, but I still… Well, I know someone I think you’d get on with better.”

Arthur’s brow furrowed in confusion. “You… want to set me up with someone else?”

“Erm, yes. Sort of. I guess that’s… accurate.”

“What, like some friend of yours that I don’t know already?” Arthur said it like the concept of Merlin having a friend that he hadn’t already met was laughable, which, all right, that was fair.

“No, that’s not—”

“Merlin, are you feeling all right? You’re looking a little green.”

Merlin felt certain that wasn’t an exaggeration. He could feel the acid rising up in his throat. This was the worst love confession ever. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, let it out in an unsteady rush. “Not a friend. Erm… me.”

Arthur smiled at him fondly, like he thought Merlin was just trying to cheer him up.

“I see what you’re trying to do, Merlin, and I’m grateful. You’re a true friend, but—"

“No, you don’t understand.” Merlin said, starting to get a little irritated with himself for his inability to express his feeling effectively. He was just going to have to be blunt. “I’m in love with you.”

Arthur paused with his fork halfway up to his mouth. He shook his head slowly, scrutinizing Merlin’s earnest expression, as if looking for the joke. “Don’t be an idiot. You’re not even gay, Merlin.”

“I might be. A little bit. For you.”

Arthur sucked in a sharp breath, looked on the verge of smiling, but settled his features into a troubled frown instead. “You don’t know what you’re saying. I know some of our friends say things about us sometimes, but it’s just talk, Merlin. You don’t have to force yourself to fit their expectations. You can just be yourself.”

Oh, God. This was it. This was the crushing rejection Merlin should have known to expect. How could he have listened to Freya about this? The pain of it welled up from his chest, threatened to spill out into the world for everyone to see. Merlin held his breath, hoping the feeling would pass. It didn’t.

“Are you… You’re not actually crying, are you?” Arthur said, taken aback.

“No.” Merlin swiped the edge of his sleeve across his eyes, drew himself to his feet, and turned away from Arthur, striding toward the door. He had to get out of here.

“Hey, wait.”

Merlin pocketed his keys and yanked his jacket from the peg.

“Where are you going?”

“Out.” He jerked the door open and paused before he walked through. “Sorry I bothered you with this. Guess I misread a few things.” Then he slammed the door closed behind him and was gone.

“But—!”

-x-x-

Arthur stood there, staring at the door. “What the hell just happened?”

The only conclusion he could come to was that someone had been messing with Merlin’s head, getting him all mixed up, because as much as Arthur loved him, he really was a bit of an idiot like that sometimes. This almost seemed like something deliberately calculated to cause him to suffer. How many years had he been pining away, longing to hear those word from Merlin’s lips? Hearing them in reality didn’t have the same impact as his pathetic little daydreams, because he knew they couldn’t really be true, and yet, Merlin wouldn’t be deliberately cruel to him like that. He didn’t know how Arthur felt. Maybe this was Morgana’s doing. Maybe she was trying to help. He never should have admitted he was in love with Merlin to her.

Arthur wanted to run after him, but knew he wouldn’t get the movie-like outcome he wanted so desperately. He decided he would just have to wait it out. Merlin had simply gone for a walk to clear his head. He’d be back when his feet got tired. It wasn’t like Arthur was never going to see him again.

He sat down in his chair in the living room, intending to wait for Merlin’s return so they could talk this out calmly like rational adults. An hour at most he figured, and Merlin would be back. But he wasn’t. Not after one hour or two. When it started getting to be near Merlin’s usual bed time, he picked up his mobile and called Merlin’s number. It rang and rang, then sent him on to voice mail. Merlin’s happy voice greeted him, and Arthur ended the call without leaving a message, decided to send him a text instead.

Starting to get a little worried. You all right?

Text me back so I know you’re not lying dead in a ditch somewhere.

When he didn’t get a response to that either, he began pacing the floor. It wasn’t like this was the first time Merlin had stormed out of the flat after an argument, but he was never gone this long. Even if he was still mad, he’d come back home and thunder around the flat, glaring at Arthur, sometimes for days if need be until they worked things out.

Arthur tried calling one more time before deciding that Merlin must be so angry with him this time that he’d opted to sleep at a friend’s place. Probably Gwen’s seeing as she was within walking distance. He would let Merlin have the night to cool off, try again in the morning.

When he called again about an hour after sunrise the next day, he was sent straight to voice mail. Arthur hoped that was because Merlin had turned the ringer off so he could sleep and not because Merlin was purposely avoiding his calls.

This time, Arthur left a message. Or at least, he tried to. “Hey Merlin…. I erm… I see that you’re really upset with me. I’m sorry I… I don’t understand. Just… Call me back, okay?”

He went off to work feeling irritable and strangely angry at himself, though he still couldn’t quite pin down exactly what he’d done wrong. He kept going over it in his head, and it didn’t make any more sense now than it had the previous night.

He stayed at work a few hours late so that Merlin could have some time in the flat to himself before he got home and they had to talk about this again. Merlin couldn’t possibly be so mad that he wouldn’t come home again tonight.

Arthur didn’t like being wrong. The flat was pitch black and dead quite when he walked in, and he soon found that Merlin was still forwarding all his calls straight to voice mail when he tried, yet again, to reach him by phone.

A sick tendril of doubt began to creep in. What if Merlin really wasn’t okay? What if he had been hurt last night? He could be in hospital or the morgue or… He dialed Gwen.

“Hello, Arthur.”

“Hi, Gwen. Did Merlin stay at yours last night?”

“What?” By her tone of voice, Arthur could tell she had no idea what was going on. That little tendril grew, wrapped itself around his heart, and began to squeeze.

“Erm… We might have had a fight last night. He stormed out, and now he’s not taking my calls.” He didn’t mention his paranoid thoughts about Merlin being dead or dying. “When he didn’t come home, I thought maybe he’d walked down to yours and stayed the night on your sofa.”

As he’d predicted, she confirmed that she hadn’t seen or heard from him, but promised to let Arthur know if she learned anything. She even told him she would send Merlin a text asking if he was all right, but Arthur knew it wouldn’t do any good, not if Merlin had his phone off.

He paced around the flat some more, tried to calm down. Tried to stop his worst fears from taking over and turning him into a raving madman.

He forced himself to make dinner, but wasn’t as successful in forcing himself to eat it. Instead, he called Gwaine. Then Lance. Then Mithian, Merlin’s closest work friend. None of them had seen him. Not even Mithian, who’d been out of the office on a client visit all day and so couldn’t confirm whether Merlin had been into work or not.

He didn’t know what to do. Should he call the police? What if… He seriously needed to calm down. Maybe Merlin had decided to stay at a hotel. He had to come home sometime, right?

Arthur laid down on the sofa where Merlin usually sat. He should go to bed. He should—

Freya! Maybe Merlin had going to hers? He wasn’t sure why Merlin would go to his ex’s, but at this point, he was willing to try just about anything. Arthur didn’t have her number himself and had to call around to a few more of their friends before he was able to contact someone who could get him the number.

“Hello?” she said, when she answered the call. “Who is this?”

After repeating the story so many times, Arthur had developed a very succinct explanation for his call. He didn’t give Freya the same courtesy as he had with everyone else. After introducing himself, he jumped straight to the point.

“Have you seen Merlin today? Or yesterday?”

“Merlin? No, why? Is something wrong?”

Arthur really didn’t want to share his problems with her, especially if she didn’t have any useful information.

Before he could decide how much he had to tell her, Freya said, “He promised he would tell you. You didn’t screw it up, did you?”

“Excuse me?”

“It wasn’t easy for him. He was really putting himself out there for you.”

Arthur struggled to keep up. She couldn’t possibly know what was going on… could she?

“Not every girl is going to be as understanding as me. Someone will cling to him like a vice, and he’ll propose because he thinks he’s supposed to even though it doesn’t make him happy.”

“So you think… That’s why you broke up with him?”

“Of course. Do you think I wanted to let him go? If I thought I stood any chance of wrestling his heart back from you, I’d never have done it.”

Arthur didn’t know what to say.

“He’s never been interested in another man, but it only took him a single day to realize I was right about you. I don’t know what you did to ruin things, but you’re clearly a fool, Arthur Pendragon. Fix it. Now.” And she hung up.

Arthur stared at his mobile for several long moments. What Freya was saying… He hadn’t allowed himself to consider, even for a second, that Merlin might be serious. That he might, honest to God, be in love with Arthur in just the way he’d been longing for. A tentative hope began to bloom in his chest, then it was unceremoniously squashed as he realized how horribly he’d messed things up. If… _If_ this really was happening, he might be in a very different situation right now, had he only handled things a little differently last night. He and Merlin could be in bed this very second, pressed together in all the right ways.

But no, he’d gone off and fucked everything up. Freya had implied that Merlin hadn’t been lying about himself all these years, that he’d genuinely been oblivious to his own feelings. That Arthur was the only man he’d ever wanted. And didn’t that make Arthur preen a little inside. He wanted to throttle his past self for acting as he had. What had he been thinking, blatantly invalidating Merlin’s feelings like that? This whole thing must be horribly confusing for Merlin, much more so than most homosexual epiphanies. He’d spent 25 years believing he was completely straight, and it had only taken him a day to realize what he was feeling after it had been pointed out to him. And not only that, but he’d somehow found the courage to tell Arthur how he felt almost immediately. That was incredible. Merlin was a wonder, the most resilient person he knew. Just one of the many things Arthur loved about him.

Arthur still remembered with crystal clarity the first time he’d told his father that he had feelings for a boy. He’d been sixteen, and Uther had responded with an unceremonious, “Don’t be ridiculous, Arthur. You’re simply confusing friendship with romantic love. Now that girl Elena, she’s what you should be setting your eye to.”

And nothing Arthur could say would sway him. Never mind that he’d touched himself every single day for weeks thinking about the things he wanted to do with Percy.

Even if Merlin really didn’t love him, he apparently believed it at the moment. So, even if he changed his mind tomorrow or if he already had… No. Arthur wasn’t going to allow himself to think like that. He couldn’t have already blown his one chance. He had to explain.

If Merlin _had_ been serious, and he was feeling heartbroken, devastated… Where would he have gone? If he couldn’t come to Arthur…

Realization dawned. Of course. _Home_.

It was late now, and Arthur didn’t particularly want to wake Hunith for this talk. He needed her on his side and rousing her close to midnight was unlikely to help. He rang her first thing in the morning.

“Arthur,” she said, lacking her usual warm tone.

“Is Merlin there?”

“He doesn’t want to speak with you right now.”

Arthur let out a relieved sigh. At least he had confirmation that Merlin was all right. Physically at least.

“Hunith, I have to talk to him. It’s vitally important.”

“He won’t take a call from you. You know how stubborn he can be sometimes.”

“All right. I’ll come up. I can be there in a couple of hours. I’ll leave right now.”

“Arthur…” Her tone implied she wasn’t sold on his plan.

“Please, Hunith. Just… promise you won’t tell him I’m coming. I don’t want him running off again before I can explain and apologize.”

“I’ll… see what I can do.”

“Thank you. You won’t regret this. I promise.”

Arthur tried not to break the speed limit on his way to Merlin’s mum’s, but wasn’t terribly successful. He was lucky he didn’t get pulled over. He certainly deserved it.

He knocked on the door when he arrived instead of ringing the bell, and when Hunith came to the door a few moments later, her look somehow managing to convey both sympathy and chastisement at the same time.

“Is he in?”

She tipped her chin toward the ceiling. “He’s up in his old room.” She didn’t move out of the way to let him in. “He’s really upset, Arthur. He’s taken this badly.”

“I promise it’s all right, Hunith. Please. This whole thing is just a big misunderstanding. If Merlin would only listen for a few minutes, I can clear everything up.”

Before she could decide what she was going to do, Arthur heard the thudding of footsteps on the old wooden staircase located at the other end of the living room.

“Mum,” Merlin said as he came into view. “Who’s at the… Oh. It’s you.” His voice had gone flat. “Go home, Arthur. You don’t have to feel bad. You can’t help the way you feel. This isn’t your problem.” He turned and went back up the stairs without another look.

Arthur’s expression must have given away his feelings.

“Oh Arthur,” Hunith said, returning to her usual warmth. “How do you boys make such a mess of something so simple?”

Arthur shrugged. “We’re a bit hopeless sometimes, I guess.”

She stepped out of his way, and he took her hand, gave it a quick squeeze. “I’m going to make this right. I promise. And thank you.”

“I’ll just go out for a little walk.” She took a thick sweater from a chair beside the door and stepped outside.

Arthur crossed the living room and headed up the steps to Merlin’s childhood bedroom. He’d been here several times before. He knew the way.

The door, unsurprisingly, was closed. He knocked softly. “Merlin? I know you’re mad at me right now, but we do need to talk.”

No response.

“Fine.” He lowered himself to the ground, rested his back against the door. “I’m just going to sit here until you decide to come out. You’re going to have to use the toilet eventually.”

“You’re obnoxious.” Merlin’s voice sounded muffled through the door, but not so much that Arthur had trouble making out his words. “Don’t know why I said those things the other day. You can just forget them, all right?”

“No. Absolutely not.”

More silence. This wasn’t getting him anywhere.

“I guess I’ll just start then. I want to apologize first,” Arthur said, staring that the opposite wall. “I’m sorry for what I—"

“It’s not that I’m mad at you.” Merlin said, interrupting Arthur’s apology. “Not really. I just need a little space right now, and I don’t want you trying to dissuade me from moving out.”

“Moving out?” Arthur’s stomach dropped. “Who said anything about moving out?”

“I did. I just need a few days to find someplace new. Then I’ll come get my things and this can be over. Staying there… It would just make us both miserable. You’re obviously weirded out by the whole thing and I’m… I’m sorry I ruined everything. I really thought I had a chance for a minute there. I guess I had to take it, but if I’d just kept my mouth shut, we would have been fine. I could have lived with it if you hadn’t known.”

“Merlin…” Arthur shook his head, trying to deny that Merlin was really thinking these dreadful things.

“I’ll have to move out eventually anyway. Right? I mean, I still want to get married. Someday. I hadn’t really thought that through before. Hadn’t realized that I would have to live with my wife. In my head, I’d somehow stupidly imagined that we were always going to live together. Guess that should have been a clue.”

“Wife…?” Arthur still wasn’t sure what Merlin was thinking in regards to his sexuality.

Merlin let out a self-deprecating laugh. “Don’t let this go to your head, but I can’t see myself ever falling in love with another man. Why do you have to complicate everything?”

Arthur’s breath caught in his chest. Merlin was saying it again. That he was in love. With Arthur.

“Merlin, let me in. I have something I need to say, and I’m not doing it through a wall.” After another minute, he said, “Come on. We need to talk.”

“We are talking.”

“ _Merlin_ …” Arthur said, letting a sharp edge creep into his tone.

Arthur heard footsteps, then the door opened behind him. He craned his neck around to look up at Merlin.

“Door wasn’t locked.”

Arthur sprang off the floor, followed Merlin into the tiny, cluttered bedroom. Merlin sat down on the end of the bed, shoulders hunched.

Arthur gathered his courage. This was his big chance. He had to get it right. “Thanks, Merlin. This is… Well, I just… I have to explain. You’ve got this whole situation all wrong.”

“You still don’t believe me. Typical. You always think you know better.”

“No!” Arthur said, a little too adamant. “I mean, that’s not what I meant. I’m not really expressing myself very well. You know I’m bad at this sort of thing.” He took a deep breath. “It’s just that when you told me how you feel, I was… scared. I love you.”

“I know.” Merlin heaved a heavy sigh. “You didn’t want to have to hurt me.”

“No. You’re not listening. I _love_ you. I have done for years now.”

Merlin looked up at him, a little confused. “I… don’t understand.”

“I guess I’ve been pining after you for so long, telling myself it was hopeless that I just couldn’t risk letting myself believe it—that you could love me back the way I want.”

A hint of hope crept into Merlin’s expression. “The way you want?”

“Yes, Merlin! That’s what I’ve been trying to say. I want… Well. Everything. With you. What you were offering the other night, and hopefully more, in the future, if you still want me.”

“Oh…” Merlin thought it over. “You were afraid?”

Arthur have a little shrug. “You know what they say about things that look too good to be true. You’d never expressed any interest before… I thought—”

Merlin stood up suddenly. Since the room was rather small, and Arthur had been close to begin with, the move put them close enough to touch.

The corner of Merlin’s lip lifted in a subtle smile. “They also say not to look a gift horse in the mouth, you know.”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “You might want to rethink that. You’d be the horse in that analogy.”

Merlin grinned at him, and that horrible tightness in Arthur’s chest evaporated at the sight.

“Please,” Arthur said. “Say you’ll come home now. We can talk about this more when we get there.”

Merlin shook his head slightly. “I don’t think I want to talk about it more.”

Arthur tried to keep his face a neutral mask, but a frown marred his expression anyway.

“I think I’d rather kiss you instead.”

“Oh.”

Merlin tentatively reached out to grab hold of Arthur’s arm. Arthur reciprocated with a hand on the side of Merlin’s neck and felt an overabundance of tension in the muscles there.

“Something wrong?”

“I’m so nervous.”

“Why? Kissing a bloke’s not really any different than kissing a girl.”

“And how would you know?”

“Ok, fair point. But all the pieces are the same.”

Merlin let out an uneven breath. Arthur had sympathy on him. He leaned in, placed a quick little kiss on the tip of Merlin’s nose. “There. Our first kiss is over and done with. No need to be nervous now.”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “That doesn’t count.”

“No? How about this?”

This time, he kissed Merlin on the lips, but still kept it short, just long enough to press their lips together and sneak in a gentle little caress of Merlin’s bottom lip with the tip of his tongue.

Arthur pulled away enough to judge Merlin’s expression. He looked vaguely annoyed, and Arthur deemed his strategy a success.

“Well, that’s better but—”

Arthur kissed him a little longer this time, a little more insistent, but still didn’t allow himself free reign. When he pulled away again, Merlin tried following him back.

“ _Arthur!_ ”

Arthur threw his head back and laughed. He couldn’t help it. When he’d calmed, he found Merlin staring at him with a soft, affectionate smile that he’d seen before—and with increasing frequency.

“What is it?” Arthur said.

“I think your laugh might just be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.”

This time, Arthur went all in. He kissed Merlin like a starving man at a banquet, felt like he’d never be able to stop now he’d got started. Merlin pressed into the kiss and slid a hand into Arthur’s hair to make sure he couldn’t end the kiss prematurely. When Arthur needed more air than breathing through his nose could provide, he turned his head to gasp in a few quick breaths, then went right back for more. He hadn’t kissed like this in ages.

If he’d had any tiny lingering doubts that this was mistake, that Merlin was confused, didn’t really know what he wanted, they were utterly dispelled when he grabbed Arthur’s hips and pulled them tight against his own, pressing his growing erection against Arthur’s body. Arthur let out a soft, helpless moan that was further muffled by the proximity of Merlin’s mouth. This wasn’t a mistake; it was a dream. 

Arthur shuffled them back toward the bed. It was only a step or two away, and when Merlin’s legs pressed against the side, Arthur pushed him down. He sat there, staring up at Arthur with pupils blown wide and spit slicked lips puffy and swollen from all their kissing. His gaze flickered down to Arthur’s crotch.

“You know, I’ve never been with a man. I might be terrible at it.”

“That won’t be a problem. I can show you everything. I’d really love that, actually. We can start right now if you want.”

Merlin swallowed hard and nodded, but then said, “Oh, but my mum’s downstairs. She might be expecting us to come down… or, you know, at least not broadcast what we’re doing.”

“No worries, Merlin. She said she was going for a walk when I came up the stairs.”

“Oh. Oh, I… guess we have a little time to ourselves then.” He licked his lips.

Arthur pushed him down so he was lying on the bed, feet still dangling off the side, and kissed him soundly once before moving on to pay some much-needed attention to his neck. Merlin tipped his head back in approval and slipped a hand up the back of Arthur’s shirt, raked his blunt nails gently across the skin, then reached for the hem and started tugging the shirt up. Arthur sucked an arm in quickly so he could get back to Merlin and only took his lips off his neck long enough to pull the shirt over his head. With the shirt still dangling by his other arm, he started working the buttons on Merlin’s shirt. He started at the bottom and being useful, Merlin started at the top. His fingers fumbled with nerves though, so Arthur still did most of the work himself. They sat back up so that Merlin could strip off the tee shirt he’d been wearing underneath, and Arthur found Merlin was staring at his torso.

“You really are quite fit, aren’t you?"

Arthur smirked, riding a wave of unusually high confidence. Not that he normally had any trouble in that area, but knowing that Merlin, of all people, wanted him, thought he was fit, had an obvious erection for him just waiting to be touched… That he was the first man, possibly the only man ever, to get to touch him there… That knowledge was revolutionary.

He couldn’t wait any longer. He put his hand flush against Merlin’s bare chest, felt the smattering of hairs rub against his skin as he worked his way down, across his ribs, over his slim waist, and his narrow hip bones. Arthur palmed at Merlin’s erection through his jeans, and spurred on by a helpless little whimper that Merlin tried unsuccessfully to choke back, he undid the button with one hand and tugged the zip down with the other.

“ _Arthur_ …”

This single experience was more than Arthur could have ever hoped for in all his guilty fantasies, and he had no intention of letting the opportunity go to waste. He pulled back.

“Where are you going?”

Arthur allowed himself a subtle smirk at the whining tone Merlin’s imparted on his question.

“Let’s take care of you first.”

He slipped off the bed and onto his knees, situating himself between Merlin’s spread legs.

“Here, sit up a little. You’re going to want to see this.”

Merlin did as he was told and went a step further, lifting himself off the mattress so Arthur could pull his jeans and pants off his long, pale legs.

Arthur stared. Here was Merlin, fully naked before him, his gorgeous cock jutting into the air, pink head flushed beautifully with excitement, a wet trail of pre-cum dripping down the side.

“Arthur?”

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this.” Arthur let out a steadying exhale. “Ready?”

Merlin bit at his bottom lip and nodded. His expression held such trust and open affection, Arthur felt he might burst.

He took it nice and slow, even when Merlin urged him on. He tongued at the exposed underside of Merlin’s ready cock, took him down to the root, hollowing his cheeks with effort, and reducing Merlin to a quivering, begging mess before finally having mercy and bringing him off. It took Merlin a minute before he was capable of producing actual words. Arthur spent that time jerking himself to completion, too enraptured by Merlin’s expressions to wait for his help.

“I’ve never—" Merlin tried to say when he finally started coming back to himself.

Arthur raised an eyebrow.

“Well, I mean, it’s not like I’ve never had a blowjob before, but not like this. How can you be so good at this?”

Arthur unleashed his most pompous grin. “Maybe I’m simply the best at everything, Merlin. Like I’m always telling you.”

“Nah. I’m thinking it’s simply the intrinsic advantage of knowing what it feels like to have your cock sucked.”

Arthur laughed until his lungs ran out of air. He couldn’t remember ever being this happy.

“Come here, you impatient prat,” Merlin said, reaching out a hand to help Arthur off his knees and back into bed. “You stole my opportunity to make you come.”

“Never fear, Merlin. I think I’ll let you have another chance.”

Merlin turned over onto his side, pulled Arthur in close against his back so they could both fit on his narrow, old mattress, and rested until the door downstairs slammed shut with more ruckus than Arthur suspected was usual for Hunith. He smiled. He could see right through her. She was announcing her presence.

“Your mother is a wonderful person.”

“Mmm. I’m glad you like her.”

“We should probably go downstairs and let her know that we’ve got things cleared up.” Arthur pressed soft kisses into the back of Merlin’s neck.

“You’ll have to stop kissing me for a little while.”

“I’ll survive. We can do a lot more back home.” He paused. “You are coming back home tonight, right?”

Merlin carefully maneuvered himself onto his other side to face him. “Yes. I want to come home.” He traced his hand down Arthur’s bare arm. “With you.”

Arthur took in a deep, relaxed breath and smiled, began imagining all the wonderful things his future held.

“Maybe we should stop by Boots on our way home.”

Arthur raised an eyebrow.

“Unless you have condoms.” Merlin seemed to be smiling at some unspoken joke.

“Ran out a while back and haven’t bought more. I told you. I’ve had a bit of a dry spell lately with dating.”

“You went out with that bloke from the bookstore the other night.”

“We had a few drinks, that’s all. I wasn’t going to sleep with him. Don’t you have any?”

“Well, I do, but the ones I have are, you know. Marketed for… erm, breeders, you might say.”

Arthur laughed. “Companies don’t make separate condoms just for gay men you know. As long as they don’t tear, they’re fine.”

Merlin shrugged, looking a little nervous again. Maybe thinking about how much effort it would take to tear a condom.

“Is that…” Arthur cleared this throat. The way he figured it, a man who’s only one love away from being completely straight might be a little more wary of anal sex than the average gay man. And maybe this wasn’t even what Merlin was getting at in the first place, but he needed to be clear on this topic. “I mean… We won’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with. Everyone’s different. Nothing’s mandatory. When it comes to gay sex, people seem to get all caught up on anal, but I know plenty of gay men that don’t like it at all.” Arthur was having trouble reading Merlin’s expressions. He said, “But if you want to try…”

“I uhhh… I have been… thinking about... that.”

“Yeah? In what way?”

“Erm… All sorts, but… I think, if we start slow and build up to it over a couple weeks maybe, I might like to try having you fuck me.” Merlin’s cheeks blushed as attractive shade of pink.

“Sure. We can try that. And you can have me too, if you want. I’m not picky.”

Merlin let out a quick exhale.

“There’s a lot more to gay sex than blowjobs and anal though.”

“I think we should get up and go downstairs now. We talk anymore about sex, I’m not going to want to get out of bed.”

“Doesn’t sound so bad to me.” Arthur put a leg over Merlin’s and used his hand on his back to pull him closer.

“Mmm. But if my mum gets worried that we’ve killed each other instead of working things out, she might come up to check on us, and we never even closed the door.”

Arthur glanced over Merlin’s shoulder. “So we didn’t. Guess I was a little distracted.”

Merlin swatted at him. “Yeah,” he said, laying on the sarcasm, “just a little.”

Arthur levered himself up to a reclined sitting position, trying and failing to stop smiling. “All right then.” He rolled over, grabbed Merlin’s shirt off the floor and tossed it to its owner. “Guess we’d better get ourselves decent.”

About ten minutes later—because they couldn’t get dressed without taking a few breaks for long, searing kisses—Arthur followed Merlin down the stairs and into the kitchen, where the clattering of dishes led them straight to Hunith. Once they were through the doorway, Arthur stepped up beside Merlin and reached for his hand. Merlin cast him a quick smile and gave his hand a small squeeze.

“Mum?”

Hunith turned away from the cooker, looked between the two of them, noting their linked hands, and gave them both a gentle smile. “Tea will be ready in a few minutes, and I think I have a tin of your favourite biscuits here somewhere, Arthur.”

“You’re too good to me, Hunith.”

Merlin bumped Arthur’s shoulder with his own and leaned close to whisper, “She didn’t say you could eat them.”

Hunith either didn’t hear Merlin’s comment, or chose to ignore it. She responded to Arthur, said, “Not when you’ve made my boy so happy.”

“Are you, though, Merlin? Happy, I mean? You’re not still at least a little mad at me for how I reacted to your confession?”

Merlin shook his head. “I was too caught up in my own hurt at the time, but I get it now. If you’d have come to me and said out of the blue that you were in love with, oh, I don’t know, Gwen for instance, I’d have been skeptical myself.”

Arthur tried to imagine it—some bizarre parallel universe where he was capable of being attracted to Gwen. His difficulty envisioning such a world only served to emphasis how amazing Merlin was. If Arthur’d suddenly realized that he'd fallen for a woman, he’d have run so far, he’d never have found his way back. But then, he always had been a little jealous of Merlin’s courage when it came to matters of the heart.

When they got back home, they didn’t waste any more time before exploring more of their newfound intimacy. Arthur pressed Merlin against the closed door the moment they were both inside. It was his plan for them to be undressed and in bed in the next two minutes.

Merlin seemed to be able to read his mind. He pulled Arthur’s shirt over his head and pressed forward, encouraging Arthur to take a few tentative steps backward—a few steps closer to the bedroom.

“God, Arthur, I want you so much. Never felt like this for anyone before.”

“You’re going to give me a big head if you keep talking like that.”

Merlin reached down, pressed the palm of his hand to Arthur’s groin. “I really want to try giving _you_ head.”

“Fuck, Merlin.”

“Felt so good when you did it for me. Might take me a while to get good at it, but I’m a hard worker and a quick study.”

“Can’t wait for you to start practicing,” Arthur said, between kisses.

They took a brief detour to Merlin’s bedroom for condoms. Arthur should have used one on Merlin before giving him that blowjob earlier, but he hadn’t really been thinking logically at the time. He wouldn’t let Merlin take the same risk, if it came to that.

From there, they made their way to Arthur’s room because his bed was more comfortable, and he was the one that had the lube. By the time they tumbled into bed, Merlin had been divested of all but his socks. Arthur was only in his pants, which he quickly tugged off his legs.

Merlin put a hand on Arthur’s chest to keep him from getting closer, and Arthur worried he’d suddenly hit Merlin’s limit. That notion was quickly dispelled when Arthur saw the way Merlin was looking at him.

“Like what you see?”

Merlin swallowed heavily. “Yeah. I want…” He licked his lips. “Want to touch you everywhere. Is that weird?”

Arthur shook his head, grinning. “I want you to touch me everywhere. Start here.” He took one of Merlin’s hands and moved it down to his pecs. He flexed his muscles.”

“I guess all that time at the gym wasn’t completely wasted. Do you mind if I…” He rubbed his thumb over one of Arthur’s nipples until it pebbled up, then he flicked it a few times. “Nipples are so strange.”

“Mmm. Feels nice though. Told you that you can touch me anywhere, everywhere. I want to feel you all around me.”

And maybe that wasn’t the best thing to say, because Merlin looked suddenly nervous. He took Merlin’s hand and kissed the palm. “I didn’t mean it like that. Or well, I certainly wouldn’t mind like that, but not if you don’t want to. I just meant that I want to be as close as we can. That’s all. Doesn’t matter how exactly.”

“No, but I… I know that. I’m… nervous because I want to try.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I haven’t changed my mind. Just, like I said before. Want to ease my way into it.”

“You want to start that easing tonight then? You don’t have to.”

Merlin laughed. “I would have never expected you to be so…”

“Respectful of your desires?”

“Un-demanding.”

Arthur smirked. “You want me to be demanding? I can do that, too.”

Merlin swatted at him. “Don’t be a prat.”

“I don’t know, Merlin. You’re always saying I’m a prat or that I’m arrogant or whatever. But you’re the one who went off and fell in love with me, which means you must like that about me.”

“No, it means I love you _in spite_ of your _numerous_ , _blatant_ flaws. They do say love is blind after all.”

Arthur wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be able to keep up his usual teasing. He could feel his insides turning to insubstantial goop.

“What?” Merlin noticed him staring, noticed the soft, dopey expression gracing his features.

“I really do love you, Merlin. More than anyone.”

“More than your parents?”

“Not hard to love you more than my father.”

“Your mum?”

Arthur shrugged. “Barely knew her.” He paused. “But even if I had…” He covered Merlin with his whole body—holding just enough of his weight off of him so that he wasn’t crushing him—and reveled in the sheer quantity of skin contact, the way he could feel Merlin’s chest moving with breath against in his own.

“Then you love me more than you love your sister too?”

Arthur put a soft kiss on his cheek. “Yes.”

“Wow.”

Arthur kissed his jaw and the shell of his ear.

Merlin shifted, got one leg out to wrap around Arthur, and rocked up against Arthur’s body, pressing his hard cock into the space between them. Arthur reached for the bedside table, tugged open the drawer and fumbled around without looking until his hand landed on his bottle of lube.

He squirted a small amount onto one palm and reached down between them. He adjusted his position too, so that their cocks were side by side, rubbing together.

“How’s this?”

Merlin shifted his hips and groaned. “It seems like such a simple little thing, but I could come just like this.” He rocked again, starting to develop an actual rhythm. Arthur joined in, rubbing and rutting against Merlin as Merlin did the same to him.

“Ahhh. Ah, fuck.”

“Come on then, Merlin.” Arthur ducked his head into the space between Merlin’s neck and shoulder, started working on putting his mark there, sucking hard at the skin, leaving soft little bites.

“Arthur!” Merlin said, a note of frantic desperation entering his voice. “I’m getting too close.”

“No such thing as too close, Merlin. Go ahead and come. I want you to.”

Arthur felt like he was right behind him. He couldn’t stop the inner refrain of, ‘This is Merlin in my bed, loving me, loving sex with me. It’s _Merlin_.’

“But you said we could start… umm. Working up to… oh, fuck.” Arthur felt the warm rush of Merlin’s release shooting into the border between their bodies. Merlin shuddered and Arthur pulled back enough to watch his eyes roll back in his head, a happy little smile tugging at his lips. Then Arthur was coming too, because a mid-orgasm Merlin was simply too much for his endurance to bear.

Arthur kissed him on the mouth again, even though Merlin was too delirious to really give much of a response.

Then he was coming back to himself and a lovely little blush sprouted up on his cheek. Arthur rubbed at the spots of colour with his thumbs. “That’s all right, Merlin. We’re just getting started. And a little warmup orgasm will help you relax. Not that you’ll really need it tonight.” He kissed Merlin once on the cheek. “Promise it’s nothing to be nervous about.” He nuzzled their cheeks together, whispered in Merlin’s ear, “I’ll just start with touching you back there, all right? Don’t even need to do any penetration tonight.”

“But… what if I want…”

“One step at a time, Merlin.”

Arthur pulled back, took in the mess along their abdomens and reached for the box of tissues he kept under the bed to clean them up a bit while they recovered.

He transitioned smoothly from touching for the practical purpose of removing come and lube, to touching purely for the pleasure of it. He kissed Merlin’s hip bones, raked his fingers through the hair on his chest and abdomen. He sat up and gave some attention to Merlin’s long legs, making Merlin laugh when he lightly trailed his fingers along his inner thighs.

“How do you feel?” Arthur said as he sat bracketed between Merlin’s spread legs.

Merlin had his knees up, both feet planted on the mattress behind Arthur, and Arthur didn’t know what to do with his eyes. He wanted to see Merlin’s expressions. He wanted to stare at his beautiful cock, sitting so prettily on display right in front of him. He wanted to look a little lower, to that little hole in the cleft of his arse where he wanted Arthur to touch him. And he was mesmerized by the way the pattern of hairs on Merlin’s legs faded as it went round his legs so that his inner thighs showed more of his milky smooth skin.

“I’ve never been with someone that’s spent so much time just exploring my body,” Merlin said. “Makes me a little self-conscious, but it feels good too. I mean, you must like what you see or you’d just move on.”

“God, Merlin. Those girlfriends of yours weren’t treating you right at all.”

“You going to touch me now?”

Arthur ran his palm over the swell of Merlin’s calf. “I am touching you.”

Merlin rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean, you pest.”

“Mmmm. I’m not sure I do. Think you better tell me.”

Merlin huffed. “I’m asking when you’re going to get on with touching my arsehole, you arsehole.”

Arthur let out a bright roar of laughter.

“Only idiots laugh when they’re being insulted,” Merlin said, but he was looking at Arthur like he was the best thing ever.

Arthur stifled his laughter as best he could, but didn’t do a very good job of suppressing the accompanying grin. “That’s what you want then? Want me to touch you there?”

“You know I do.”

“All right. Since you’re asking so sweetly.”

Arthur reached for the lube, put a few drops on his index finger and rubbed it with his thumb to warm it up.

“This might feel a little strange at first, but it’s just going to be a light touch.”

Arthur started a few inches away from his true target and trailed his finger down, circling around the little hole first, then narrowing in and pressing the pad of his finger just there. Even with the buildup, Merlin clenched in surprise at the initial touch, but as Arthur’s finger stayed there, not doing anything in particular, he began to relax.

“Come on, Arthur. I know I said I wanted to work my way up to it, but you really don’t have to be this careful with me. I’m not going to freak out and run back to the soft embrace of women.”

“I’m doing my best to make sure the thought never crosses your mind.”

“It’s not going to, Arthur. You’ve been my best friend for 6 years, and now that I realize how much I want you and how dreary the thought of my life without you is, I’d be a fool to mess this up. The two of us together… It’s kind of perfect.”

Arthur smiled. “I’ve thought so for years.”

“You should have said something.”

“You’d have freaked out.”

“Maybe at first. But not for long. I could be an expert at being fucked by now.”

The sudden mental image of Merlin on his hands and knees, cheeks spread invitingly as he begged for Arthur to fuck him, temporarily short-circuited his brain.

When Arthur was finally able to form a coherent sentence, he said, “All right then, if that’s what you really want," and pushed in with the tip of his middle finger. “Feel okay?”

Merlin squirmed a little. “Doesn’t feel much different than what you were doing before.”

“Good.”

“Good?”

“Yeah. Means you’re not uncomfortable. Don’t worry. I’ll make sure you get what you’re looking for.”

This was what Merlin wanted; Arthur was determined to make it fucking spectacular. He needed to make sure Merlin would be looking forward to more. Wanted to have him daydreaming about being fucked. Wanted him to be so eager that he would beg for it before they were even in bed.

Arthur only used one finger to maximize his level of control and minimize the potential for Merlin to get anxious. He played around, keeping the penetration shallow at first as he gauged Merlin’s reaction. When he deemed Merlin to be sufficiently acclimatized to the new sensations, he worked his finger in deeper until he got to Merlin’s prostate. Then he really went to work, pressing and stroking and rubbing. It didn’t take Merlin long to notice.

“Oh.” Merlin said, “Is that…?”

“Like it?”

“Yes,” Merlin said without hesitation, then paused for thought. “This is…” He let out a deep moan and began shifting his hips, eager for more. Arthur could scarcely breath.

Merlin reached for him, and Arthur said, “Why don’t you do something useful with your hands, like grab onto the headboard.”

“How is that useful?”

“Because I like the way it’ll make you look—all on display for me.”

“That’s really all you want?” Merlin said, as he complied with Arthur’s request. “I’m not too nervous about all this to reciprocate, you know.”

“I believe you, and I’ll take you up on that later, but right now, I just want too…” He used his free hand to fondle Merlin’s balls, started working Merlin’s foreskin over his cockhead in time with his work on Merlin’s prostate.

Merlin pressed his head back into the pillow, and groaned, “God, Arthur.”

“Really love watching you like this.”

Merlin’s skin glistened with a light sheen of sweat, and he gripped the headboard tight enough that the veins in his arms bulged prominently against his hard muscle. Barely restrained moans tumbled from his gorgeous, plump lips with increasing frequency. Arthur changed his grip and adjusted his pace until the last of that restraint disappeared.

Arthur watched, completely mesmerized, as Merlin’s come shot up onto his chest and splashed onto his belly. It was the first time Arthur had actually got to see it happening. His gaze drifted up Merlin’s torso, past his neck where a patch of skin on one side was peppered with little red marks from earlier, and found Merlin staring back at him, a goofy, relaxed smile on his lips.

Arthur maneuvered himself up to the head of the bed to lie next to Merlin, his hard cock pressing awkwardly against Merlin’s hip. He swept Merlin’s damp fringe to the side of his forehead, peppered kisses across his cheeks and lips. “How was it?”

Merlin had to take a few deep, steadying breathes before he could answer. “Don’t wanna tell you.”

Merlin was smiling, so Arthur wasn’t worried that he was declining to answer as a way to spare his feelings.

“Oh?”

“Your head’ll grow so big it might pop.”

Arthur tried to stifle his laughter, then reminded himself that there was no need to hold back. After all, Merlin said he liked Arthur’s laugh.

“What about you?” Merlin said with a quick glance to Arthur’s neglected erection, his tone still sounding a little distant. “Don’t know if I can go again tonight after that, but… Give you anything you want.”

Such an offer felt like a sacred trust. ‘Anything’ was an awfully strong word, after all, but Arthur knew he was only saying it because his head was still up in the clouds.

He said, “I’ve got an idea,” and rolled Merlin onto his side, fit himself snug against his back. Merlin didn’t seem the least bit anxious about what he might be planning, but just in case, he said, “Don’t worry, I’m not going to…” and slipped his hard cock neatly between Merlin’s cheeks.

When mixed with Arthur’s pre-cum, there was already enough lube there from Arthur’s earlier work to get the perfect amount of friction. He’d been holding back for so long, now that he had his opportunity, he could barely contain himself. His cock ached with need, and he rutted against Merlin’s smooth skin, desperate. His harsh breathing came in bursts against the back of Merlin’s neck. The heavily sedated, rational part of Arthur mind thought to question whether this level of intensity might be too much for Merlin at this point, but Merlin placed an encouraging hand back on his hip, said, “That’s it, Arthur.”

Arthur let out a choked off whimper. He wanted to draw this out as long as possible, wanted to come so hard he’d never forget, but didn’t think he had the self-control to hold off much longer.

He pressed a firm hand down Merlin’s side, over his hip, then onto his belly and up his chest. He tightened his hold in a futile attempt to pull Merlin even closer.

“ _Arthur_... I don’t think I’ve ever felt so…”

“What?” Arthur croaked, pressing his nose to Merlin’s neck, then his lips. 

“Wanted.”

Arthur paused just in time to pull himself back from the brink. He had to prop himself up on his elbow, lean over, and tip Merlin’s head back for a long, messy kiss because how could anyone ever have the opportunity to do this with Merlin and not leave him feeling like the most precious being on the planet?

“God, Arthur, this is unbelievable. I feel like a fucking teenager.” Merlin took the hand Arthur had on his chin and guided it lower. “I’m getting hard again already.”

“I feel it.” Arthur gave him a few slow tugs. He wasn’t even halfway there, but it was a good start.

Arthur started fucking against Merlin perfect arse again, this time, keeping the rhythm slow and controlled. If he could just hold out a few more minutes, maybe…

Merlin moved his hand back onto Arthur’s arse, gave an experimental squeeze, then pulled in a way that triggered a needy spark of want from the sensitive nerves at his opening. Quite suddenly, rutting against Merlin’s arse wasn’t enough. He pulled back and sat up, startling Merlin in the process.

“Arthur? What’s wrong? Did I—”

Arthur surged forward to give him a quick kiss. “Changed my mind.” That probably wasn’t the best wording. He rushed on before Merlin got the wrong idea. “Need you to fuck me.”

“Oh,” Merlin said, sounding a little dazed. “You’ll have to coach me a bit. Never done that before.”

“Never had any of your girlfriends like that?”

Merlin shook his head and rolled onto his back.

“Don’t worry about it. All you have to do is put on this condom.” Arthur tossed a packet to him, then grabbed the lube bottle again and tested himself with two fingers to make sure he was able to relax the way he wanted. It wasn’t a problem. It had been a while since he had a partner, but that didn’t mean he was out of practice.

Merlin was the one slowing them down. His hands trembled as he opened the condom packet and rolled it on, and he kept allowing himself to get sidetracked staring at Arthur. When he finally laid back, his cock now fully erect again, jutting away from his body, and safely covered in latex, Arthur straddled his hips, thigh muscles trembling with excitement, and added a layer of lube to slick up Merlin’s condom. 

“Wow, Arthur. I can’t believe you’re actually going to let me put my dick inside you like this.”

Arthur let out a low groan. “I can still hardly believe you want to.”

He inched his way up the length of Merlin’s body until he had the alignment right. Merlin reached down to help guide the tip of his cock to Arthur’s entrance.

“You sure this is all right?” Merlin lifted his hips enough to put a little pressure on Arthur, but not enough to breach him.

“You kidding? I’ve been dreaming about this for so long. You’re going to love it, Merlin.” Then he began to sink down. The sharp stretch of Merlin filling him was enough to take the edge off. It wasn’t so much that his erection flagged, but at least he no longer felt in danger of coming any second.

Arthur stared at Merlin’s expressions, watching as he went from nervous anticipation to awed comprehension to full on lust. Arthur paused when he got himself fully seated, watched the way Merlin squeezed his thighs hard enough to bruise.

“Think I might come just like this. Fuck!”

Arthur didn’t move, tried to relax as much as he could so he wasn’t overstimulating Merlin’s cock.

“Don’t worry if you do. I know how good it feels. I won’t be angry.” A little disappointed maybe, but not angry. He might feel a little chuffed about it actually, that even after two orgasms, Merlin liked fucking him so much all he had to do was get his cock inside to come. It wasn’t something Merlin had needed to worry about though, because it didn’t happen.

Arthur stayed in the same position until he was able to loosen his grip a little more. Then he started moving, building momentum.

Merlin stared up at him like he was some divine creature. An echo of jealously pulsed through Arthur’s chest as he wondered if Merlin watched all his lovers like this.

“ _Arthur_ ,” Merlin moaned. “This is… This is…” He let out a little whimper.

“Knew you’d like it,” Arthur said, panting with the effort.

Merlin rubbed a hand over his thigh, pressed the other one over his heart. He looked very serious all of a sudden, and Arthur slowed.

“What is it?”

“I’ve been trying to figure out why everything feels so different with you.”

“Gee, let me think,” Arthur said, giving his cock a few lazy strokes.

“No, that’s not it. The last time I was with Freya—"

Arthur let his rhythm falter, then stop altogether. “Gross, Merlin. _Please_.”

“Minimal details, I promise. It’s just that she was, erm. You know, on top. And I remember looking up at her like I’m doing with you. I tried so hard to feel what I’m feeling now, and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t understand why not. But with you— It’s not because you’re a man. It’s just… It’s because it’s _you_.”

Arthur took a moment to let that statement sink in. “You’re unbelievable,” he said in a tone that he knew Merlin would be able to interpret as, “You’re amazing.”

Merlin gave an impish little grin and played along, said, “Guess I’m a bit of an idiot sometimes.”

“I’m not going to argue with that,” Arthur said, as he started moving again, “but at least you’re my idiot.”

Merlin circled his hand around Arthur’s cock and began to jerk him off. “Yeah, I am.” His rhythm was clumsy, but it didn’t matter. After being on edge for so long, Arthur’s orgasm hit hard, shooting him up to orbit the moon in a blinding burst of pleasure.

When he finally came back to earth, Merlin tugged him down, kissed him so tenderly it felt as if his heart were melting. The years of longing and pining and heartache he’d experienced with his love for Merlin, it was all worth it, a thousand times over and more.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been having so many problems writing lately guys, it's not even funny. I hope this still turned out all right anyway. I've stared at it so much, I'm afraid I've lost all objectivity. Regardless, thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> Oh, and a little note about this version of Arthur loving the Stormlight Archive: He gets childishly excited about the descriptions of the Shardblades and Shardplate. He loves Kaladin’s sense of honor, and thinks that Adolin is secretly gay. Not because of his interest in fashion, but because Adolin is supposed to be very attractive and Arthur wants all the hot men to be gay. Also, Adolin’s lack of success with women reminds him just I tiny bit of Merlin, and well… (I still need to read book 3, but it's seriously 1,233 pages long, and that's just too much for me at the moment.)


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